I've been making love to my neighbor's goat for the past five years. By some act of God I've recently managed to get a real girlfriend. Should I end it with with Dave (the goat), or try and get some three-way love going?
Big M.
Big M.,
I applaud your commitment to your newfound love, and your desire not to cheat on her. However, though largely frowned upon by modern society (and your new girlfriend), it's not technically cheating if you engage with another species.
There's only one way to keep the girl while not depriving yourself of man-goat love. It does unfortunately involve bidding adieu to Dave (the goat), but face it, he had a nice personality but other goats are just as supple.
Anyway, your girlfriend is always nagging you to mow the lawn. Tell her you've done the research (don't tell her it was on Ask Pud) and a goat in the backyard would not only be a cute pet, but it would feed on the grass, keeping it nice and short.
She'll thank you, and you'll have a new goatfriend.
I am usually pretty good at determining if someone is cool or not. But Stephen Colbert stumps me. Should I find Stephen Colbert cool or not?
Jason
You should indeed consider Stephen Colbert to be "cool." He is smart and funny, with a good grasp of of pop culture and has the potential to be great.
But his shtick is too inconsistent to have any long-term success.
For example, he'll do some story in his newscaster parody persona, and then all of a sudden switch to more serious interview-guy with his guests. And while interviewing, he'll snap in and out of the schtick persona, which is almost always less interesting than his guest.
It's annoying to people, and if he wants lasting success, he needs to choose a persona and stick with it. (yeah yeah...so do i:)
I'm going to Hugo's, which is the sister restaurant to Gibson's, the famous Chicago steakhouse with the big-ass cakes. The picture below was taken at Gibson's on my previous trip to Chicago, a few years ago on my book tour. I have been assured that Hugo's has the same cakes.
I'm scared all the time. Should I kill myself to obtain some much-needed relief?
Yes. But before you do, realize that the universe has been around for billions of years and will be around for billions more. As people on this speck of a rock called Earth, we're only alive for what might as well be a nanosecond in time. So while killing yourself might chop a few years off your life, your lifespan is already insignificant, so there's kind of no point in killing yourself -- we're already dead.
You're born, you die. Try to do as much fun shit in the middle as you can.
Why do ALL of my leather belts become warped and curved after wearing them just a few times?
- Thomas
As you cinch your belt to compress your abdomen, the belt leather is scraping across the metal buckle. If you've ever scraped a piece of ribbon across a scissor blade to make it all curly, it's the same effect. From now on, suck in your gut and get the belt all the way through the buckle without touching the leather to the metal. Kind of like playing Operation (hmm i should make an online version of that game, as a test of mouse control).
Anyway, do as I say and your belt troubles will be history.
My site Fuckedcompany.com (full disclosure: I haven't been the one updating the front page for more than two years) is the first Google search result when you search the letter "F". Actually it shows up after the Ford stock quote, but that's not a real search result.
I love Google like the next guy, and when they released Google Desktop Search I was psyched, cuz I'm always searching for crap on my hard drives. And it beat the hell out of Windows' search feature. But I found Google Desktop results to be awkward, lacked control, and didn't always update quickly and properly.
So the other day I installed Microsoft's version, MSN Desktop Search. Aside from Microsoft's clunky old-school download page, it's way more robust than Google Desktop. The main different is the user interface. Rather than opening your results in a browser window like Google Desktop, MSN Desktop Search launches its own application.
While launching the new MSN app means it takes a few extra seconds for your results to load, the MSN application is feature-rich and lets you find what you're looking for much more easily. It also seems to index stuff way instantly -- I can be in the middle of typing an email, do an MSN Desktop Search, and the email I'm currently writing shows up in the results. Confusing at first, but then I realized how cool that was.
I use the term "hacked" loosely, as my username and password were both "pud". Stupid me, but I remember when the guys at Sequoia Capital (my investors for AdBrite, as well as YouTube's investors) first showed me YouTube. It was a tiny little video uploading site and I was like, "okay I'll check it out" and just signed up with the throwaway username/password of pud/pud. Who knew YouTube you rock so hard, would end up a powerhouse, and I would never change my account settings!
Of course, I only had like 8 or so videos up there. But one of them, "Death Metal Office Drumming" had been viewed around 125,000 times and had over 150 comments as well as links and embeds from all around the Internet. Oh well. I'll re-upload it later, but I spose all the comments and old links to it are dead.
BUT there is a silver lining. I decided to finally digitize this "Big Bill Hell's" video, below. A little introduction is necessary. Before the days of YouTube (and the Web...), this video actually made the rounds where I grew up in Maryland, passed around on VHS tape. I figured after all this time, it was time to bring this old-school viral video into the twenty first century for the first time.
So ladies and gentlemen, I present, Big Bill Hell's, the meanest sons of bitches in the state of Maryland, guaranteed.
Bonus: I also finally digitized and uploaded this video of me freestyle bike riding in the synagogue parking lot at age 14 (1989 or so):
Listen in as the award is bestowed upon me. Click the play button or download the mp3.
I am deeply honored and would like to thank Tom Reynolds, George W. Bush, and everyone else who made this possible.
But most of all, I want to thank you, the readers of Ask Pud. For without you, I would not have this opportunity to lead. The questions I answer for you on Ask Pud about which car to buy, which investments to make, and how to get your girlfriend to do anal... well gosh darnit, they make me proud.
I'm interested in becoming a promoter and scout for DJs, models, and talent here in Miami. I've already established contacts with a couple of club owners and agencies, and am continuing to network aggressively. What else should I do?
Thanks, Tomas
To understand the answer, first you need better understanding of the question. Why do you want to be a promoter for DJs and models? Because you want to get into VIP clubs, have sex with models, and maybe make some money.
So does everyone in Miami.
Most people in your world, including you, think that networking is the key to success. It is not. To achieve your goals, you need to offer something special and unique to these people. There's almost always something you're decent at that promoters and models want. If not, you can pretend. Either way, a power shift must occur where they think they need you, more than you need them.
A little story.
My first business was a music production company called PK Productions. I had a small electronic music studio and made background music for radio commercials and rappers. I was 20 years old. How did I break into the music business? By meeting important people and letting them know immediately how they could use me -- not the other way around.
In my case, I would ask in conversation if their studios or offices were PC or Mac, and let it be known that I'm a computer geek. Before I knew it I was helping the producer of Whoomp There It Is (hey it was 1997, in Maryland) set up a networked printer in his studio.
See the shift in power? He was trying to woo ME. I had something to offer. Which led to introductions to different rap stars and eventual production work for DC's big hip hop radio station.
What do models need that you can offer? If you can't think of anything, tell them you're good at MySpace marketing. Pick a model, and with her blessing, make her a nice MySpace page and get her lots of MySpace friends. Deliver her MySpace mail to her. Keep track of her live appearances (which of course, you'll need to follow her into the VIP clubs as her official online marketing consultant, i.e. picture taker) and before you know it, you'll be a star and they'll be calling you.
Help me settle a long standing argument. Should women wear underwear underneath pajamas?
Thanks, Mango
Mango,
Women should not wear underwear underneath pajamas. Some women wear bras to sleep because they've been told it will...help them age more gracefully. This is a myth.
Today I made a new design for Ask Pud. Does it look okay on your browser?
Thanks to Scott Beale for the picture of me drumming at the Music Experience Project in Seattle. We were both there last week for Gnomedex. More of Scott's pics from the weekend (and my fluorescent green shirt) are here and here.
Hi Pud. What's the name of the song which is being played in the backgroud of Breakin Pud? (see video below) You have great moves. -Don
The song is "Jam On It" by Newcleus, who incidentally popularized the word "Wiki" -- at the end of the song they repeat "wiki wiki wiki wiki" (not sure if the track in Breakin Pud gets that far), see the track one on this greatest hits disc.
Pud. Aside from San Francisco and New York City, where's the best city in the U.S. to start an Internet company?
Skowhegan, Maine. It's an old-school paper mill town. The average resident makes around $15,000 per year yet they live with abundance. Skowlegan could use some fresh industry, and you'll learn a thing or two about the way people used to live.
As you grow you'll need to outsource most of your engineering to Bangalore (India) but everything else you can find in Skowhegan.
I spent a few months there in 1999, consulting for a paper company.
Pud is an expert in many things including money, sex, business, arts, music, food, fashion, technology, nightlife, travel -- almost everything except sports.
